Footballer Vs cleaning equipment.

I had a realisation today that it has been exactly 48 hrs since I have seen another human being. Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ve not been caught up in a New Zealand Version of the Chilean mining disaster, I have simply been house-sitting for some friends that live in a particularly rural area, however its likely it's the first time in my life this has happened. Even bed ridden with illness, human contact was never far away, only a walk across the landing or a quick look out of the window. Now I don’t quite know whether this is a cause for concern or celebration, but being on my own, 15mins drive from the nearest road has been amazing!!! I say amazing, I’ve obviously had greater experiences in my life but what I’m getting at, is being alone in such a beautiful area, your mind suddenly becomes alive. To date I’ve had at least six arguments with myself, three of which were resolved amicably, one I agreed to differ, another was a damn full scale row, and the latest one I’m sat on the fence. I will let you in on it,

Would you rather:

A. Be a Manchester united supporter for your whole life (this means eternity..Look at their badge and manager it’s essentially a pact with the devil)

B. Be Wayne Rooney

C. Scrub your face off over a week with a brillo pad(the same brillo pad…even when holes start to appear and you have to use more elbow grease..no cheating now.)

At the minute my answer is taking shape like this….

Well A is out of the question right away, so its B or C. Now the way I see Wayne Rooney is thus, he seems to me like a sort of creature that the Evil one in Time Bandits dreamed up

(if you haven’t seen the film, enlighten yourself at the bottom of this post.)

I imagine it went something like this..

Evil one:

“Right… we will create the ugliest being on the planet, adorn him with hideous tattoos, he will age five years for every human year, until he becomes a replica of Onslow from keeping up appearances.”

Slave1:

“Yesssss..master hahahaha”

Evil one:

“ However Boris we will give him talent beyond measure”

Slave2:

“And money Sire”

Evil one:

“Yes, yes money as well, immeasurable amounts of wealth….good”

Slave1:

“Ha but what will he buy my lord..

zzzzzzaaaaaap

Slave 1 is vaporised

Slave 2

“ the brain of a gnu?”

He whispers wincing in the hope it’s an adequate suggestion.

Evil one:

“Excellent….yes he will be forced to toil through his whole life sleeping with aged hookers… and what is more, he will actually be Scottish, HAHAHAHAHA…yes Alex Ferguson’s love child forced to play for England…hahahahaha”

Slave 2

“HAAAAA forced into the line up …by ….by an Italian Manager sire…

ZZZZZZZaaaap.Slave 2 is reduced to a pile of molten baby sick.

“Now lets not be silly Charlie.”

So, I digress, Considering this is the deal, in my opinion the jury is out. Although I have come to the conclusion that if the brillo pad was of a worthy manufacturer and not from a pound shop, and providing you didn’t spend too long whittling down your nose then C might just be a winner. A’la Blind date voice over man, THE choice is yours…..

In all seriousness however the point of this is a poignant one, I can now see why the bloody monks got so much done and why Buddhists live in solitude. It’s the complete antithesis of the western world, a world where we are no longer forced to use our minds, everything is right there, done for us, our brains, bought by the mass media, are swallowed up in football results, Jordan’s tits and the X factor. Its getting to the stage where people can’t be bothered doing anything anymore, shall I put this cardboard in the recycling bin.

“Na, someone else will do it for me”

Shall I cook tonight?

Na, The microwave shall do it for me

Should I pro-create

“Na someone else will….”

You get my drift, quickly go and kill all your neighbours and live on your own for a while, its great! Maybe that’s a bit strong but seriously if there is anything creative you’ve got planned, in the back of your mind, that you fancy doing but haven’t the time. Do it now, do it this weekend. Because before long we will be plugging our brains into the wall and recharging them like a cheap, old, Nokia mobile.